For What Reason

"When your apologies fail to ring true; so slick with that sarcastic slew. Phrases like "I thought you knew!" while keeping me in hot pursuit." - Death Cab For Cutie, "For What Reason"

I'm a jerk. I'll be the first to admit it. Also, I am not the most mature in relationships. Let's just say I had my first boyfriend in kindergarten and I don't think I've progressed much since then. I'm working on it.

So here's the deal with Friend's Friend, previously mentioned in this post. We went on two dates last year.

Date 1: We met at a bar and got a pitcher of beer. The mutual friend who set us up had shown me a photo and while I was not too impressed with appearance, some people are not photogenic (myself included). Besides, as I said, we had a lot in common on paper. He did look better in person but there still wasn't much physical attraction on my end. Still, we drank, we talked about our love of old sci-fi shows and comedies and books we'd read and before I knew it, I was pretty tipsy. I agreed to move it to one of my favorite bars, where we drank yet more beer. FF had a great since of humor and I like funny drinking buddies. We were alternating paying for pitchers and it felt like I was drinking with a pal from work. Getting drunk on a first date is the opposite of smart. I shouldn't have done it. I'd had a shitty week and I was stressed and a million other generic excuses. It was DUMB. Eventually we wound up at a Bar & Grill to get some dinner.

Here's a little-known fact about me: when I am drunk I insist on paying the tab. I have no idea where this intoxicated generosity comes from. Maybe I want to be liked. Anyone's who gotten drunk with me can testify - I will grab the check, hand the server my card, and say "ha!" like it's a game. While this is fine with friends who will get me a round next time, it's very bad on dates. Guys leave with the impression that I really like them. How could they not when I demanded I buy dinner?

And that's what I did. When the check came, I insisted upon getting dinner and the last round of drinks - talk about mixed signals.

Anyhow, we parted ways with him saying we should meet up again and me agreeing because I was trying to be polite. I should have e-mailed him the next morning and said, "Look, I don't see us as more than friends," but I didn't. Embarrassed for getting so plastered with a stranger, I simply let it go. A week later he e-mailed me and suggested we get a drink. I put it off for a while, citing my busy schedule (which was true) but finally he came up with a date I could make, so I went to the pub.

Date 2: At this point I was willing to give him one more chance to spark something romantic in me. Not that he had any control over it but you get the idea. We met at a bar for a pint. Conversation was less flowy at first but got rolling quickly. All the same, I was still felt we were headed for Friendship Land. Did I tell him? No, because like I said, I'm a teenager at dating. Instead, we got the check after the second round. The kicker? He didn't pay. Or even offer to pay. I got dinner last time, he could at least offer to buy me a couple beers. It annoyed me but I just smiled and said "later". Again, I neglected to tell him (or even e-mail him) that I was uninterested in him other than as a friend. (Heck, maybe he feels that way too and that's why he didn't want to pay the tab.)

This is where we stand. He's e-mailed me a few times but both of us were out of town for the holidays. It's probably wrong but I feel I owe it to FF to go on one more date, since I've been "stringing him along" via e-mail for the past month. If I still don't think it's going anywhere, I've got to suck it up and tell him so. I just wish I weren't such a wimp. It's not going either of us any good. And who knows... maybe armed with a new 2007-perspective, I'll fall madly in love with FF and be glad I didn't blow him off. But probably I won't.

I'm so bad at this! There are a lot of Death Cab songs about chickening out and running the other way. Maybe I need to get some new music?