Dealbreakers

Everyone has them: things they cannot look past or ignore. Dating always forces us to evaluate what we can tolerate and what we can't. Online dating more so, as you are presented with lists of facts about potential dates, allowing you to weed out some of your dealbreakers before you meet. I'm a freak, I'll admit it. Part of the reason I am perpetually single is that I am shallow and picky, habits I am trying to break. Nonetheless, here are some of my big dealbreakers:

- Strongly Religious Men - As an atheist I cannot date someone who feels it's their personal duty to save my soul. I'm all for people who are culturally religious (like Jews who still celebrate Hanukkah but don't necessarily keep kosher) or who are mildly spiritual. However, any strong connection to God, the Bible, or church is a dealbreaker. There are bound to be all sorts of problems in such a relationship.

- Vegans - Just to be clear, I can date vegetarians. (I've been vegetarian before though recently gave it up. I love my sushi!) I understand the principles behind Veganism but I put cheese on everything. Besides, I can't date someone who will frown when I eat my monthly cheeseburger or can't drink beer that isn't specifically labeled vegan. It's too maticulus and reminiscent of an eating disorder.

- Guys Who Are Pussies (Not in the British Sense*) - It's okay for guys to have feelings. I like that. It's okay for guys to exfoliate, to listen to whiny emo music, and to love puppies. But if you cry at the drop of the hat, are too shy or passive or helpless, I can't do it. I want a MAN. And I want my own life. My girlfriend has a boyfriend who's a prime example: when she goes out with us for a girl's night, he doesn't eat because he can't figure out how to heat up left overs or make a sandwich for himself. That's pathetic. Be a guy, be assertive, be yourself. And grow some balls. If I wanted a chick, I'd become a lesbian.

- Spitting - Maybe if we're engaged and I see you spit on the sidewalk, I'll just punch your arm. But in the early stages of dating nothing turns me off more than guys who spits on the street.

- Rudeness - No one should stand for a rude date. Anyone who's rude to a bartender or waiter or ticket taker, etc., or who doesn't tip appropriately, is gone. This goes doubly if the date is rude to me.

-The Constant Downer - Depression is an illness. Get some Prozac or Xanax. Everyone has bouts of sadness or malaise. Being female, I get depressed for no good reason a couple of days each month thanks to my hormones! It's fun! But if you are always depressed and pessimisstic and sad, and everything is always so wrong, I cannot date you until you seek help. Your depression is like a sinking ship and I will not go down with it, thank you very much.

- Poetry - If you write it, good for you. But unless you're the new Keats, I really don't want to hear it. Especially the ones about your ex-girlfriends or that chick in high school who wouldn't take you to prom. (See also, Guys Who Are Pussies.)

-Guys Who Don't Drink - You don't have to down a six-pack each night but if I can't take you to a sports bar to watch the game and have a few pints every now and then, we are not going to make it as a couple. I went on one date with a guy who was adament about never drinking, telling me it was stupid and people who drink are idiots. Maybe his dad used to get drunk and beat him, but I found the generalization pretty condescending. There's a difference between having a post-work cocktail sometimes and getting plastered all the time.

Those are the big 'uns. What are your dealbreakers?

*It's a joke in Arrested Development. If you did not catch this, do yourself a favor and go buy Season 3. It's the best DVD set you will ever purchase.