It's Not You, It's Me.

Today I was talking to a classmate about dating. Eric was joking around about the best way to impress girls and he told me this story:

Eric asked a girl out and within five minutes of the date, realized it was a mistake. For whatever reason (he did not elaborate), he didn't think they were at all compatible. Anyhow, their date was at an art museum. Once they got there, he went to a painting and stared at it. The girl came up next to him. He waited a bit and then moved on to the next painting or sculpture. She joined him again. Rinse, repeat.

As they left the museum, she turned to him and said, "Wow, that's really amazing. I've never met someone who actually appreciates the art and doesn't just take dates here to make out in dark corners." He drove her home and never saw her again, but she was ready to invite him up for "coffee".

The point is, she thought he was so interested in the artwork that he couldn't make conversation - when really he was just didn't want to talk to her. "So the secret to get girls in bed is to take them to a museum and ignore them til we're out," he concluded.

The scary thing? He's not wrong.

As a woman, I am not only impressed when a guy takes an interest in history or artwork, but I love guys that don't dote on me. Don't get me wrong, I like to be fawned over and brought flowers. As a narcissist, I love hearing how pretty/witty/awesome I am. But when I'm getting to know someone, I'm a bit put off by guys who are all googly-eyed over me right from the start. (I am not denying that I'm a freak of nature. Maybe most girls like it the other way around.) When someone I've only just met gets all gushy and sweet and lovey, it scares me. They come on too strong and I begin to hear alarm bells. "Weirdo Alert!" the bells scream.

This is why I tend to fall into relationships with friends - because we've had that natural "getting to know you" phase without all the "you're cuter," "no you are" crap. I'm just no good at it. I could flirt my way through a paper bag factory but when it comes to actual affection with people I hardly know, I shut down.

Eric's story just sort of made me realize why dating is so hard for me. With the right chemistry, I wouldn't mind a bit of intial gushiness, but I always end up on dates with guys I have little to no interest in, and their attraction to me completely turns me off. It's quite possible that because of my deeply embedded personality defects, I will end up as a crazy cat lady. But the whole point of this blog is to explore my experiences and issues and try to fix them.

Creepy and Disturbing

I know there are creeps out there but it's very rare they just tell you they're bonkers up-front. It should be refreshing. Instead I'm thinking about putting an extra lock on my door.

This old guy (57) introduced himself by saying he's too old and I don't match him much anyhow (44%) . Then he continues to babble on about how we should ignore that and meet anyway, because he's in love with me. Finally, he pulls out this little ramble, which I am hoping is an attempt to be funny. It isn't:

IF let's say an alien spacecraft landed on a dirt road in front of me while I was driving in Mississippi, and they used a hypno ray on me and scanned my memory to find wht female to also kidnap along with me to repopulate the Human race on some other planet cuz this one was about to blow up!!?... they would have to come and find you. Now, I wanted to apologize for that, I know its not fair, and I really should've asked you first, but no one expects aliens while driving on a dirt road in Mississippi do they?

Say it with me now: EWWWW!!

Creepy, gross, and icky. It's lucky I haven't showered yet this morning or I'd have to do it again. That's how dirty this feels. I want to send him an e-mail telling him to please jump in front of a bus. I blocked him and then tried to see if "blocked" means he can't see my profile at all (I suspect that it doesn't). Although the asshat has probably already saved my photos to his computer. Ick ick ick.

Back to the Regularly Scheduled Dating Blog

So OkCupid has been useless. The only emails I've received are lame missed-IM messages. I even tried to answer to one but the IM gadget thingy doesn't seem to work on my computer. It's probably better because I'd just get drunk and insult the idiots who IM me. "Hi, r u bored?" is a typical greeting. Most guys using stupid IM features on these types of sites either want to hook up immediately for a one-night stand or just want to talk dirty.

I made a brief attempt at mailing some of my matches myself, but most of the guys have pictures so close up they only show their eyes or are blurry and dark. I know it's shallow but if I can't even see your face, I'm not going to read a profile. If you're so hideous that you must lurk in the shadows like the Phantom of the Opera, get off the internet and go meet pissed-drunk girls at a bar.

What happened to the decent nerds on this site? Did they all pack up and move elsewhere? Maybe they all got girlfriends. Damn.

I still don't feel ambitious enough to throw down cash for Match or Nerve (besides, how to choose which site to go with?). Maybe next week.

PS: I am slow on the uptake but I just got Regina Spektor's album Begin to Hope and I have listened to the first song ("Fidelity") a hundred times on repeat. I'm the sort of person who finds a song, falls in love with it, and can't stop listening to it for weeks on end. I need that tee shirt that reads "Music is My Boyfriend" because it's true.

Doesn't Seem So Smart in Retrospect

Note to self: If you feel a cold coming and are craving Vitamin C, orange juice is a good idea. Mixing copious amounts of vodka into said juice might not be.

Just for the record, I'm not trying to offend anyone from Virginia. I love it there! It's beautiful (especially in the fall) and people are very friendly. However, a lot of people I've met from there and South Carolina are still a bit touchy about the Civil War, especially this guy I've dubbed "Virginia". That's not say it's racism (it isn't) because the war, to a lot of people, was about state's rights versus the supreme power of the Federal government.

And a commentor brought up a good point. "Sic Semper Tyrannis" is a lot cooler than Washington State's motto "alkai" which translates to "by and by". Not much conviction in that one, is there?

Crap, I'm running a bit late. I have to shower and get ready for work.

Celibate By Circumstance, Not Choice

I have not had sex in a long, long time. I'm sure I've set some sort of record broken only by Saints. It's bad. And I cannot stop lusting after Virginia.

He is a few years my senior, has spent lots of time bouncing around Community Colleges (as have I) and has even done a stint in the military (usually I hate military guys because, sadly, they fall into that bald-aggressive stereotype). He's a bit too Southern, being from the state whose motto John Wilkes Booth shouted after shooting Lincoln ("Sic Semper Tyrannis!"). And yet he's not racist, just a bit... stubborn. He believes in State's Rights and Free Speech, neither which I can disagree with until we hit the point about the Civil War, where these ideas clash. I'm a fan of Lincoln, by the way.

Never mind the politics. Virginia's fuse is short. I've seem him lose it, irrationally, a few times, and I've only known him for two months. He's a bit over-serious, a bit too emotional. I'm a woman, therefore I'm irrational and emotional thanks to hormones*, and I don't need that in a boyfriend. Besides which, I just don't see our interests intersecting enough to ever have anything.

And yet all day yesterday all I wanted to do was pin him to the ground and screw his brains out.

While that opportunity has not presented itself, I'm quite sure he'd be the type of guy I could sleep with casually. But it hasn't. And I'm too much of a pussy to intiate that sort of thing, especially since I have to see him at school. But I've caught him checking me out several times. He's flirty in that "I'm making excuses to talk to you but not going to admit it" way that some of the more timid guys seem to be. Sadly I'm just as pathetic and middle school in all my romantic pursuits and it's likely no one will make a move, not even for drinks and meaningless sex.

Maybe I just need to invest in a good vibrator.

*I don't know how it is for the rest of you ladies, but it's been suggested that perhaps I suffer an imbalance that worsens my PMS symptoms, though I've never had this officially checked out. This is a great topic for another post, actually.

something's got to break you down

I have a crush.

I've only met him twice, so as far as I know he could be married or have a girlfriend or even be gay (my gaydar sucks) or possibly all three given my luck.

He's intelligent and nerdy but about fun stuff, like radio, politics, and books. He wears glasses (which for some reason I love - why I tend to like men in specs is a mystery to me) and does crosswords. *sigh* He's a little too skinny and he's tall, both of which are accentuated by his baggy tee shirts. I'll call him DJ for future reference (though he is not, as far as I know, an actual disc jockey.)

Anyhow, it's just one of those Smitten-From-Afar things, but I figured I'd share. Because crushes make me happy. (And I rarely seem to have them these days, or when I do they are shallow and fleeting and easily disappear. This one is tiny but it's powerful.)

Artifacts and Presidents' Day

A month ago my Best Girlfriend Ever visited from a few states away. She wanted some ice cream late at night. I rummaged through my freezer. All I found was a year-old ice cream sandwich purchased by The Ex during a beer-run. "You need to throw that away," she told me. "It's sick to keep it."

She was right. BGE is wise. But I couldn't. And truthfully, I still haven't. Just like I've kept the tie he lent to me when I was working banquets and needed one. Not because I'm not over him--quite the opposite--but because I am sentimental and nostalgic. Because though I no longer miss him or wish it had been different, I like to remember the good times. Obviously the good times did not equal a relationship that would last but it was fun while it lasted. I know it's important to move on, I don't doubt that for a second. But I can't throw away that damn ice cream because I can picture the day he bought it like it was yesterday. It's so much less about him and so much about the happy memories, the idea that that sort of happiness is possible.

Anyhow, tonight I drank my remaining stash of beer (3 in total, since I'd drunk the other half of that 6-pack a few days ago) and was looking in my fridge for more. In the back, lo-and-behold, was a Heineken. So old and purchased so long ago that I can remember the date it was bought. Well over two years ago, way back when me and the Ex were just friends. It's skunky and undrinkable for sure, but I pulled it out and all the thoughts came rushing back. We played Nintendo games all night and he tickled me to the ground. He went for a beer run and bought this crap. And as much as I want nothing to do with him now, I can't throw out his goddamn ice cream sandwich.

I opened the beer. It smells okay but I'm probably too drunk to notice. It tastes okay but I don't drink Heineken enough to tell and it's too old to really be all right. If I get a stomach ache, it will serve me right.*

I have gotten past this point of sadness, but I am like a museum curator -- I like to perserve the past for what it was not what it will be. So on this Presidents' Day I would like to state for the record: The preservation of one's history is not always a memorial for what has occured, but is sometimes a reminder of what one should avoid. And learning from mistakes means we won't repeat them.

Let's hope that proves true, both in my dating life and in this nation's future.

*Just to be clear--because I realize I wasn't at first--I didn't drink the beer. I took a few sips to see if it was at all drinkable even though I knew it wasn't, then I poured it down the drain because, you know, it wasn't. But a few sips of an ancient beer is enough to give you a tummy ache, I'm sure.

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

One of the things about being single and living alone that is not often discussed is the Nightmare Paradox. It is not scientifically a paradox, mind you, but it sounds cooler than "nightmare problem".

Because of a certain medical problem, I've been watching a lot of TV. (Okay, damn it, I broke my leg a few months ago and am at the tail end of recovery. That's why I've been putting off dating - I do want to get back into it but the big ugly brace is no turn on, nor is hobbling around, plus I've gained a good solid 15 pounds from sitting on my ass. The leg wasn't supposed to take this long to heal.) So much TV that at some point it started to mess with my head. Especially bad are late-night marathons of The X-Files or reruns of Law and Order. Too many of these types of show start infesting my subconscious and suddenly I'm having crazy nightmares about aliens and supernatural killers.

Which is fine. I'm a big girl. They're just dreams. I wake up, get some water, go back to sleep. But sometimes that creepy feeling doesn't want to go away. When I'm not pathetically single, sleeping next to someone makes it easier to shake nightmares and tell myself "hey, X-files is fiction, you're being silly, there is no monster hiding in your closet, go back to sleep!" However, being by myself with a refrigerator that makes funky noises and a dark, empty apartment is less forgiving.

Okay, I'm going back to bed now. There is nothing under the bed. Really, I am too old for this.

valentine's day plans (ugh)

You know what sucks?

Not only am I totally single and alone this Valentine's Day, but I get to spend the evening in my stupid math class.

I win the Bad V-Day Plans award. I guess I'll have to get a large bottle of cheap wine to greet me when I get home from dividing fractions at 9 pm.

PS, this bit from Not A Girl, Not Yet a Wino on (lack of) weight loss is brilliant, especially the bit about drinking. God knows that's my downfall.

bad e-mails and monogamy

I spoke too soon regarding the lack of OkCupid mail despite having indicated an "unavailable" status. (Which is still untrue, sadly, but am taking a break from internet dating.)

Again I logged in via taking a quiz and there were 3 new messages. None of them acknowledge that it says "seeing someone" in bold letters at the top of my profile rather than "single". Perhaps they're hoping I'll break up, log on, and in a desperate attempt to find a rebounder contact them for a one night stand. I don't know.

The first two are the standard "you're cool, check my profile and write me back!" letters. One doesn't have a photo and the other lives hours away but is "moving here soon". I understand the impulse to make friends in a new city before you move there but really, I'm not interested.

The third was from a married man who explains he has a "polyamorous relationship" and is looking for someone he can "enjoy over dinner and in the bedroom". He writes:

I don't want a one night stand, nothing cheap, but it doesn't have to be serious. I'm not too demanding. Basically, I want a woman who is whip-smart, attractive, like-minded, and a friend that I can share some laughs with, some thoughts, and some sensual moments.

Um, no thanks. (Nevermind the married thing, he's fifteen years older than me and not attractive at all). At least he's open about the situation rather than prowling for women under the guise of singledom only to let them in on his lifestyle after a few dates and/or sleeping with them.

I'm happy for people who can sucessfully be in these sorts of open relationships. If it makes them happy, good for them. But I will never understand it. No, humans are not biologically prone to monogamy, or they weren't thousands of years ago. Nowadays we have a society in which monogamy is standard and typical (at least in theory).

Call me selfish, but I want a man who is enough for me and vice versa. My few boyfriends have been guys that I really liked (one that I loved) so much that when I was with them, the idea of being with other people wasn't appealing. Sure, I loved to look at other attractive guys and was still as flirty as usual (it's just part of my personality, damn it!), but the only guy I wanted to be with was the boyfriend. He was allowed to check out other women too - the looking or even mild friendly flirting is perfectly fine. Crossing that line and getting physical? Not so much.

Maybe I'm old fashion or brainwashed by movies but I believe this is completely possible and I will accept nothing less. Obviously it's different when you first meet but once you're in an established relationship, seeing other people should cease.

Anyhow, done ranting now. Tonight (or I should say, This Afternoon) I'm meeting the girls for cocktails. Drunken debauchery and antics will ensue. Happy Friday!

the joy of drinking (too much)

The older I get, the more hangovers strike me down like bolts of lightening from the hands of Dionysus himself. Wait, Zeus was the lightening guy right? Or was it Thor? My head is too fuzzy and pounding to bother looking it up.

I didn't even drink that much last night (well, not as much as I might have in other circumstances) and I was home by 11. Gone are the days when I could stay up with friends drinking pint after pint till 2 am, only to hop in the shower and get to work by 5 am, barely flinching. Now a drinking a pitcher--even followed by a few glasses of water and some asprin--leaves me feeling like a truck ran me over all day long. What happened to hangovers that faded by noon? What's this 12-hour crap? Aging sucks.

On a happy note, thanks Milwaukee Girl for the blog shout out! Welcome to all new visitors! Pull up chair, grab a cup of tea, and stay for a while. Just don't make a lot of noise, my hungover head can't take it.

my math teacher hates me

Like many people who have hopped from community college to community college, I have an exceptional number of college credits, not one of them math. At least none of the transferable ones. In other words, I am exactly one math class short of an AA but because the remedial-get-to-the-stastics classes I took at my old school don't transfer, I am stuck retaking them.

Because it had been three years since my last algebra class, I bombed the placement test. I cannot retake it for 90 days, so, the school reasons, I might as well start taking the long chain of math classes I'll need before I get the one class I actually need. Make sense?*

My class is the lowest one and worse, it's a night class. This means I am stuck in a room with two dozen them middle-aged people who have not seen a multiplication problem since the days of the abacus. The reason my math teacher hates me is that I am obviously annoyed and frustrated in the class. I have a pronounced lack of patience and a habit of rolling my eyes - these are deep personality flaws and I'm trying to fix them. If I groan a little when someone asks, for the fifth time, what an exponent is, it's an unconcious reaction to the torture that is Math 180.

The teacher will not, for any reason, give us the homework until the very end of class, so in order to keep up a good grade I'm forced to sit there through the lectures and day dream about jumping out the window. Meanwhile the book explains everything like it was written for third graders (I have a suspicion it was) so even if I get confused, it takes me half a second to look it up. It is not my classmates' faults that they don't get how to add fractions or divide decimals and that's what the teacher is there for; however, I do get it and don't need to stick around banging my head on the desk and wishing she would give me the damn assignment already so I can go home, crack a beer, and watch Wife Swap.

Someday soon I will actually post about dating. As soon as my dating life actually starts up again.

*No, actually, it's bullshit, but sadly that is the system.

Why MySpace Should Be Destroyed

Seriously, MySpace is a like a robot. Its inventor had good intentions but soon it was out of control and now it cannot be saved, it must be destroyed. I really need to stop falling asleep to the Sci-Fi Channel.

Yes, I use MySpace. I got suckered in a while ago, made a profile, and put up a few photos. My friends and I send each other stupid comments or YouTube videos or disturbing pictures of David Hassolhoff. This is not our main form of communication but it's a good way to make each other laugh when we're bored. It's silly but it's harmless fun. My profile indicates I'm just there for friends and networking and I hardly add people I haven't met in person as a friend.

For the record, I do not have a problem with retarded bulletins (easily ignored) or countless friend requests from stupid indie bands (easily deleted). Even the dumb "I Like Your Profile" e-mails are good for a laugh.

The main problem with MySpace (and sites like it) is that it creates a Casual Internet Society with an overblown sense of false familiarity. Here are two tips for MySpace users, care of me, because apparently some of you need to be told the obvious:

1. Just because you've read my profile does not mean you actually know me. Sure, you know what movies I love or what TV shows I watch, and what's in my CD player. This does not make us instant best friends, especially if we've never met in person. There are hundreds of different people who like many of the same things.

2. Even if the site indicates I'm "online," I am not necessarily at my computer. I have a mild form of ADD, wherein I get distracted easily. Seriously, wave a shiny object in front of my face and I'll lose my train of thought. This means that I'll often walk away from my computer while logged on to sites like MySpace and do something else entirely. Sometimes I leave for work and all day MySpace broadcasts "online now!" when I'm miles away. This is a problem when people send me messages like "hey, you bored? let's go get a drink!" expecting me to get them immediately, when really I get them a day later. Said guy gets offended, etc. etc. Look, if you want to contact me send a text message. I'm ten times more likely to get that.

There, I've aired my grievences. Time for some beer and some football.

Happy Superbowl Sunday!!

Pleasantly Surprised

OkCupid.com has a lot of personality tests created by users and these are often linked to in blogs. Since my account is set to save my password and automatically log me in, every time I click someone's link to take a quiz (like "Which Ghostbuster Are You?" or "The 1776 Trivia Test") I get logged in.

This morning, when I clicked on such a test, I was happy to see that I had no new mail in my OkCupid Inbox. Last week I set my profile to "Seeing Someone" which isn't true but I need a break from bad internet dates. I expected, for some reason, that this would not stop people from e-mailing me on the site or even asking me out. So I am pleasantly surprised to announce that even on a free, slightly-sleazy net dating site like OkCupid, unavailability doesn't inspire men to send "if you break up" or "if you're not serious" date requests.

Part of me is a bit shocked at the level of etiquette and lack of creeps who would try to make a move despite my "taken" status. Which speaks volumes about my level of cynacism regarding these sites in the first place, I suppose.

well that was fast!

I am drinking a martini and watching Jeopardy! when it hits me: I have become my grandmother.

That's right. I completely skipped over becoming my mother and became Nana.

When Nana would visit, we'd sit in the orange chair. She'd drink a gin martini and let me eat the olives. We'd do word-finds or crosswords and watch Murder, She Wrote and game shows together.

I prefer vodka to gin, but otherwise, Nana, I'm the new you! Now if only I could meet a nice, sweet man like Grampa and get married and live happily ever after.