Today I was talking to a classmate about dating. Eric was joking around about the best way to impress girls and he told me this story:
Eric asked a girl out and within five minutes of the date, realized it was a mistake. For whatever reason (he did not elaborate), he didn't think they were at all compatible. Anyhow, their date was at an art museum. Once they got there, he went to a painting and stared at it. The girl came up next to him. He waited a bit and then moved on to the next painting or sculpture. She joined him again. Rinse, repeat.
As they left the museum, she turned to him and said, "Wow, that's really amazing. I've never met someone who actually appreciates the art and doesn't just take dates here to make out in dark corners." He drove her home and never saw her again, but she was ready to invite him up for "coffee".
The point is, she thought he was so interested in the artwork that he couldn't make conversation - when really he was just didn't want to talk to her. "So the secret to get girls in bed is to take them to a museum and ignore them til we're out," he concluded.
The scary thing? He's not wrong.
As a woman, I am not only impressed when a guy takes an interest in history or artwork, but I love guys that don't dote on me. Don't get me wrong, I like to be fawned over and brought flowers. As a narcissist, I love hearing how pretty/witty/awesome I am. But when I'm getting to know someone, I'm a bit put off by guys who are all googly-eyed over me right from the start. (I am not denying that I'm a freak of nature. Maybe most girls like it the other way around.) When someone I've only just met gets all gushy and sweet and lovey, it scares me. They come on too strong and I begin to hear alarm bells. "Weirdo Alert!" the bells scream.
This is why I tend to fall into relationships with friends - because we've had that natural "getting to know you" phase without all the "you're cuter," "no you are" crap. I'm just no good at it. I could flirt my way through a paper bag factory but when it comes to actual affection with people I hardly know, I shut down.
Eric's story just sort of made me realize why dating is so hard for me. With the right chemistry, I wouldn't mind a bit of intial gushiness, but I always end up on dates with guys I have little to no interest in, and their attraction to me completely turns me off. It's quite possible that because of my deeply embedded personality defects, I will end up as a crazy cat lady. But the whole point of this blog is to explore my experiences and issues and try to fix them.
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7 comments:
This reminds me so much of myself. I don't like it when guys show me too much affection at first, like you said. I usually find myself in the situation where the guys I'm not attracted to are all over me, and the ones I actually wish would show a bit of love play it too cool. Ugh!
Nope, you're not unique. It seems like most women in the 20 - 30 bracket don't like men who like them. You compensate by fawning all over guys who don't give a damn about you :) Probably not to healthy on a personal level but it makes for a lot of entertaining blogs :)
Totally! A month or so ago I was out with a guy who would have married me on the spot if I has asked, and that was totally repulsive to me. Guy I'm currently seeing? Hasn't made a move and it's been 6 weeks. Of course, he's the one I'm smittened with.
Are you sure we're not related? because your reaction is the same as mine!
The more I read this post, the more insane it seems...
To Quote:
I am not only impressed when a guy takes an interest in history or artwork, but I love guys that don't dote on me. Don't get me wrong, I like to be fawned over and brought flowers. As a narcissist, I love hearing how pretty/witty/awesome I am. But when I'm getting to know someone, I'm a bit put off by guys who are all googly-eyed over me right from the start.
Analyzing, you seem to be saying that 1) You don't like to be adored, but 2) You do, but 3) Just not early in a relationship.
What you really seem to want is to make someone who isn't really interested in you from the start come to love you? That is screwed up, you do realise that right? It could work, for sure, but it seems like you doom yourself to invest a ton of time in relationships that start off lukewarm and eventually peter out in the hopes that one will pan out in the end. :I Lots of emotional scarring down that path, I predict.
Women.... Yikes! More complicated than I'll ever understand :)
BTW Lady Latte, don't beat yourself up over it though, this seems like the prevailing thought process for a good portion of the fairer sex. As part of a groundswell movement, you can be sure a legion of guys will get the message and learn to play their first few dates low key ... eventually. We're very trainable, :)
1) You don't like to be adored, but 2) You do, but 3) Just not early in a relationship.
No, no, no, you're all wrong! I like to be liked early on. And adored.
There is a line early on, when you hardly know someone, that a lot of guys feel comfortable crossing. It's a fine line between flirting and being WAY too "I love you so much!"
You don't love me because you don't know me. You like me. You enjoy my company and think I'm hot. But that ain't love.
It's about coming on too strong.
I apologies if I misread your article. :) I can see where coming on too strong would be a big time turn off, nobody is looking for a relationship with someone who is going to throw them in a pit until he comes to carve your skin off ("it puts the lotion on it's skin" haha). In my defense though, you did share an anecdote about a friend who spent his whole date trying to avoid talking to a girl and concluded with the observation that this was a good way to "get the girl". Well, that just seems like a rude way to act to anyone, let alone a new date.
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