So yesterday, after blowing him off time and time again, I finally hung out with Friend's Friend again. Hey, it's Spring Break! We were just going to drink beer and play games. Like, you know, Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. I wasn't even sure if was a date, since I hadn't actually seen him in months and it didn't have a "date"-like feel. Man, I have no idea what gets into my head to make me think those kinds of things.
I should have been upfront. I should have immediately said something about being friends and indicating my lack of interest (perhaps made out with that cute guy reading at the bar) but I didn't. A few gallons of beer later, I even agreed to go to his apartment. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Everyone knows do not go to the place of a guy you don't like in that way. The Villiage Idiot could tell me that except apparently I'm the idiot.
But to be fair, I was drunk. Not a strong defense but true. And it was to play MarioKart. So there was like, a plan. His roommate was there, too. The three of us hung out, drank, smoked a little pot, ate some pizza. Until his roomie went to bed (that jerk) and FF decided to kiss me. Naturally I was taken aback, having been lulled into a false sense of friendship-security. At first I mumbled something about "hanging as friends" to which he (rightly) got angry.
"You knew I liked you," he said.
Well, yeah, and I guess I didn't do much to let him know I wasn't interested. I am the Queen of Mixed Signals. I apologized and called a cab, at which point I made the bigger mistake: I started explaining that I am a jerk, that I'm selfish, that I'm not in a place for a boyfriend because I'm focused on my internship across the country, etc. etc.
It's all pretty fuzzy from there, along with his very unhappy reaction to hearing my babbling "you're better off without me" speech. I may have mentioned that I wasn't attracted to him, I honestly don't remember.
So there. Anyone who's still reading this blog can clearly see why I'm still single: I'm an asshole.
I feel guilty, of course, but it is not the soul-crushing guilt that weighs on your shoulders and makes your stomach hurt all day. It is a mild, lighter guilt that I wasn't upfront and honest right away and that I'm sure he feels like a fool because of it.
Next time I'm just telling him I'm gay.
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4 comments:
Mario Cart is dope! A classy guy would have taken that snub in stride. Then he would have convinced you that a quickie in his room would be very relaxing, and dammit you deserve some release!
So, what happened to your job opportunity in New York?
Um, I'm still applying for the internship.
And the problem is I am just not attracted to him. I was drunk and stoned and still grossed out when he kissed me, if that tells you anything. He isn't hideous, I obviously just don't like him.
Grossed out and hideous go hand in hand. You don't have to be polite, it's an anonymous blog after all. What, is he fat or stinky?
I have been reading your blogs frequently. Your blogs are awesome. enjoyed reading your blog
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