Spring Break Brokenhearted

So yesterday, after blowing him off time and time again, I finally hung out with Friend's Friend again. Hey, it's Spring Break! We were just going to drink beer and play games. Like, you know, Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. I wasn't even sure if was a date, since I hadn't actually seen him in months and it didn't have a "date"-like feel. Man, I have no idea what gets into my head to make me think those kinds of things.

I should have been upfront. I should have immediately said something about being friends and indicating my lack of interest (perhaps made out with that cute guy reading at the bar) but I didn't. A few gallons of beer later, I even agreed to go to his apartment. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Everyone knows do not go to the place of a guy you don't like in that way. The Villiage Idiot could tell me that except apparently I'm the idiot.

But to be fair, I was drunk. Not a strong defense but true. And it was to play MarioKart. So there was like, a plan. His roommate was there, too. The three of us hung out, drank, smoked a little pot, ate some pizza. Until his roomie went to bed (that jerk) and FF decided to kiss me. Naturally I was taken aback, having been lulled into a false sense of friendship-security. At first I mumbled something about "hanging as friends" to which he (rightly) got angry.

"You knew I liked you," he said.

Well, yeah, and I guess I didn't do much to let him know I wasn't interested. I am the Queen of Mixed Signals. I apologized and called a cab, at which point I made the bigger mistake: I started explaining that I am a jerk, that I'm selfish, that I'm not in a place for a boyfriend because I'm focused on my internship across the country, etc. etc.

It's all pretty fuzzy from there, along with his very unhappy reaction to hearing my babbling "you're better off without me" speech. I may have mentioned that I wasn't attracted to him, I honestly don't remember.

So there. Anyone who's still reading this blog can clearly see why I'm still single: I'm an asshole.

I feel guilty, of course, but it is not the soul-crushing guilt that weighs on your shoulders and makes your stomach hurt all day. It is a mild, lighter guilt that I wasn't upfront and honest right away and that I'm sure he feels like a fool because of it.

Next time I'm just telling him I'm gay.

These Days

I have not posted in a while because I have nothing to post. No dates, no crushes, no funny e-mails from idiots.

I think this dating blog might just fizzle out before I ever truly get it started. Last week I met one of my heroes and got some great advice about getting my dream job, which sent me into a career-motivated spiral.

At the start of the year, I thought I was ready to really get down to dating business and get a boyfriend if it meant a year of bad dates and I figured this blog would be a good catharsis. But suddenly, I couldn't care less if I had a man in my life. I'm so excited about school and the future and my possible internship in New York that having a boyfriend has fallen to the bottom of the priority list.

Of course, I've heard that when you stop looking for those sorts of things is when they have the nasty habit of showing up. To that end, if anything does happen, I'll gladly share.

This isn't a "hey, I'm going on hiatus" note. It's just a "hey, sorry, I haven't had much to say and don't know when I will" type deal.

My favorite song this week is These Days by Mates of State (I think it might be a cover?). Lyrics: "I had a lover / I don't think I'll risk another these days." Good stuff.

On a good note, I haven't been this happy for a long time. It's been a great month and I finally feel like I'm headed in the right direction.

Ill Repute

No dating news because - get this! - I'm sick. Chicken Soup and Kleenex sick. NyQuil and Couch Naps sick.

I felt it coming on all weekend, especially after some girlfriends (Blaine and Cherry) and I drank a pitcher too many at a local pub to celebrate...errr... well, I'm sure it was something. Maybe the fact that the tree of us hadn't been out together in a while. (Blaine, Cherry, and I always manage to get into trouble whenever we all go out together. Once we made out with a table of Canadian tourists. Another time we crashed a corporate bank party. It's always fun trouble but it hurts the next day.) This time, Cherry lost her cellphone. I went home after buying a six pack from the corner market-- the one where I could crawl in and still have them sell me booze. Then I broke a bottle all over my kitchen, which is a sign I was too drunk to drink it. I cut my toe.

I was a little hungover from the Friday night debauchery, but then Saturday night was a friend's birthday. We went to a swanky restaurant, drank swanky over-priced martinis, and then moved the party to a bar where we continued to drink for hours, which I'm sure didn't help matters. But it was her birthday, what're you gonna do? I couldn't exactly ask her to reschedule.

No guys on the horizon, although I saw DJ at school today. Sadly it was in passing. I asked how he was, he said good. "How are you doing?" he asked. "Pretty good," I said, and then as I left I was kicking myself for not saying 'Pretty Well' which would have been gramatically correct. Ugh. Feel like a total moron now, but I'm sick and the brain is foggy.